Mentally confused. Mad. Crazy. Lunatic. Ill. Psycho. Nutty. Troubled. A few words to describe what I was, or am. You see, the human brain divides into many parts. A part of it might control the thinking, the other transmits signals, comprehends information, remembers, but there is one little part of the brain which holds your insanity. But nobody is born crazy, something has to activate it. Different things trigger your insanity. Scientifically, once triggered, you have a psychopathic condition – which technically is a distraction of the mind from reality. How I know this you may ask? Well I, myself, have been through it before…
Walking outside, breathing the fresh air, feeling so free, I never knew that being alone sometimes could make me feel happy. Relaxed. I’m usually surrounded by groups of people, always filled with noise and laughter. I love the attention, I practically live for the attention. My phone’s always ringing, I always have mail, and I never run out of people to talk to. Everyone supports me. I like to think of myself as a friendly person, someone who everyone wants to be around. But what I really am, and I have to admit, I am a narcissist. A jealous person. But I like to keep my secrets to myself, therefore no one has to know the real me. It isn’t a crime to have secrets, I don’t know why everyone considers it to be very unhealthy, but one must have a few untold secrets. Even though I am very young, I am also very independent. I don’t rely on others to do things for me. Walking on the side of the road, I see a bench. I take a rest. Looking up at the wide blue surface above me, I like to let my mind wander, how is it possible to create such a beautiful image. Flawless. Bright, blue, and clear. I turn my gaze over to my side and find a man, most likely to be as young as I am. He says, “ Nice day, isn’t it?” I say,” Yeah, I’ve never been out on such a pretty day like this.”
“ I come out for a walk every day, I love the quiet , and I always sit on this bench, Mystery, I call it. Being out here gets you thinking about what is still out there, just waiting to be discovered. Yup, it’s a mystery. You come from near here?” he asks me. “Yeah I live with my parents, they live right up the hill, on the right, my father does business and he rather have me home than out on my own, he’s a little old fashoin. I’m going to be starting at Oakwood University. You? “ I reply. He answers, “ I’ll be going there too. I just moved in with my grandparents this summer, but I haven’t seen you around. Well I guess I’ll be seeing you a lot more now. “ He flashes an amazing smile, with perfect pearl white teeth. At that second, my heart sunk straight into my chest. I knew I was in love. I excused myself and left. No matter what I did that day, I couldn’t get him off my mind. There was something about him that just made me feel like I was able to jump up and reach the clouds, without any worry of falling back down. So the next day, I went for a walk again.
On that bench, I find him sitting. We talk, laugh, get to know each other. I go the day after, and the one after that. Then it became a routine. Every day, I went out for a walk and met Rob. We talked. And every day we would stay out longer than the day before. He is a friendly man, young and handsome. So funny, but yet really intelligent. Three weeks had passed, and I am still meeting him every day at that bench, but now, I do believe we have become more than just friends. I haven’t spoken to any of my other friends since my first encounter with Rob. But I don’t care. He is worth every second of my life. When I’m not with him, I’m on the phone with him. We write to each other, even though we know we’re going to see each other the next day.
College started. We didn’t have any classes together. But we were always together afterwards. I tried to look my best every day. I wanted to impress him. My parents were getting a little suspicious about me being out so late. But I just told them, i had to be at the library or with a friend or whatever came to my mind first. They believed it for a while. My dad, being the type of man who needs to have his daughter close to him, couldn’t stand me being out all day. Next day, when I get home, my dad doesn’t pay me any attention. As soon as my mother leaves for the gym, my dad calls me into his room for a talk. He asks me to take a seat, then locks the door.
“What did I just do?” he asks. “Lock the door.” I reply. He says,” What’s in my hands?” I say, “ The key.” He says,” Now you can’t run.” I sit there, staring at him, nothing on my mind. Never in my life have I been so afraid of my father. “What’s lying on the bed?” he asks. I turn my head, and find nothing. Nothing is on the bed, except for an old leather belt. Then it hits me in the face, I know what he means. I take in a breath and calmly say,” A belt”. He grabs it in his hands, sweeping it through his fingers. I hear the sound of the leather slide through his hands. He says,” I know what’s been going on, so you either tell me, or I’ll tell you.” I must have looked so stupid sitting there clueless, thinking has he lost his mind? He announces,” You were with a boy, and I know you weren’t only being friendly. I had someone follow you, they took a few pictures.” My mouth was practically wide enough to stuff ten donuts into it. He says,” It’s true isn’t it? You know how we don’t like this. Your mother and I specifically told you that you are not allowed to date. Only friends. But do you listen? No. And you go behind my back.” Then he starts to get louder,” How stupid do you think I am?! You think I would have never found out about this? I’m smarter than you. You just started college. You’re a stupid animal!” He’s yelling now, and I’m shaking, I had no idea he would react like this. I start,” But I...” a huge slap is flung straight across my face. I sit there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. He picks up the belt, I start to tear. My own father. Why is he doing this to me? He lifts the belt high above his head, spits on my face, and slaps it down hard on me. I squeal. He says,” If you say anything, or try to run away, I’ll tie you to the bed with your hair and finish this up, and then you’ll be heading to the hospital in pieces”. I keep quiet while he throws another one on me, then another. He starts to tremble and cry. But he doesn’t stop he keeps going till it reaches ten. He steps away from me for a second, wipes his face, unlocks the door, and tells me to get the hell out of there. I get up and walk away, he grabs me, hits me in the head, then pushes me away. I go straight to my room. I sit on my bed, my eyes wide open with not even a tear in them, ignoring the pain, I can’t believe what just happened. My mother runs in my room fifteen minutes later, with a bunch of ice packs in her hands. She hovers over me like a mama bird hovers over her little birds. She begins to ask questions, then I break down. You would think that after how much I cry that my body would be out of water, but it keeps coming. I beg her to take me away. To let me be on my own; I was pretty sure I was old enough. She and my father did not talk. I hate him. Every part of me hates every bit of him. As I lie in my bed, all I can think about is how it all happened. It keeps replaying in my head. His cold bitter face looking at me, speaking to me. The belt. The belt. The belt. His trembling in the hands, tearing, yelling! It starts to get louder and louder! I put my hands to my ears and curl up in a ball.
Shadows on the wall remind me of him getting closer to hit me again. A little noise makes me jump, I don’t feel safe in my bed. I feel restless. Numb. I can’t move a single part of my body. I have no idea what I am in for next. I cry and sing myself to sleep. I wake up, not forgetting what had happened, remembering every detail of it. I can’t think straight. I have to go to college though, maybe it will distract me. I feel like I am not part of the world anymore. Like everyone and everything is ignoring me, nothing wants to touch me, and no one wants to talk to me. I don’t pay attention in class. My chest feels like it is swollen and overflowing with water. Leaving class, I couldn’t pull myself together. Everything I see makes me cry. I decide to skip a few, and go for a walk alone. I make it all the way up to that bench. Oh, the bench which holds all my secrets and stories. Mystery. Yes. But the mystery has been solved. On the bench was Rob, and someone else. A woman, tall, thin. Beautiful. She is in some of my classes. Amanda is her name. I walk up to them; don’t even smile. Rob pulls me aside. Without asking about me or my day, he tells me,” I don’t like you anymore. I’m with Amanda now. But this doesn’t mean we can’t be friends”.
I fall to the ground. Breaking down in tears. I know I haven’t said a word all day so it felt weird speaking, “ Stay away from me! It’s all your fault! Then you leave me when I’m at my worst! Just back off!” I rock myself back and forth, taking in broken breaths, and my eyes burning. Rob steps away slowly, grabs Amanda’s hand, and leaves. The belt! The belt! It won’t leave me alone. I try shaking my head to get it out. I pull my hair. But it won’t stop, and it keeps getting louder and louder! One of my old friends walks by, and sees me. She runs to me, she can see I’m not doing well. Hugs me tight until I calm down. Then she drives me home, and speaks with my mother. I can hear their whispers, and their silent chuckles. They’re laughing at me, I know it. My mother walks in, and tells me that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I refuse and break down again. She walks over and rubs my back, I shove her away, tell her I hate her for not helping me. I mumble to myself, “Why does everyone hate me? What have I done?”
The sun begins to set. I can see the belt . It’s on the walls again. I grab the compass that was lying on the counter next to me and hold it up, prepared for whatever’s coming. The belt! Its happening again. The hit across the face, the yelling! Stop! I want it to stop! I stab the compass into my left arm and dig it deep into my flesh, then drag it across. It’s still there! I stab myself again. My arm begins to throb. The feeling is a bit enjoyable. The image in my head begins to fade. I lie on my bed breathless, enjoying the quiet, my arm bleeding on the sheets.
When my mother finds the cuts on my arm, I am forced to see a shrink. I am left alone with Dr.Barbara for an hour. I did not speak. I don’t like to talk about my problems. But she begins to question. She starts off strong, “How did you feel when your dad hit you with his belt?” . Belt. The belt! My eyes get red. I can feel them burn. I look up at the clock, and there remains thirty-five minutes. I can hear the ticking of the clock, Dr.Barbara’s breathing. Tick-tock, one-two. In and out , three and four. I start to shake my legs, I stare up at the wall. On it, hangs a ribbon. So smooth and soft, behind it a shadow of something familiar. Long and dark. My lips begin to quiver. My hands are on fire. I yell, “Stop!” But it just won’t stop. She keeps on throwing questions at me, each one puts me more and more deeper into my memory. I can’t help it, I walk out.
Days go by, and all I do is sit in my room and cry. Rock back and forth sometimes. I enjoy the quiet until the sun goes down. Then I don’t feel safe and the same scene replays in my head a hundred times. “Severe anxiety…” the doctor announces. I was mentally destroyed. Yes, I know, it sounds ridiculous that because of one little thing, my entire mental state is ruined.
Two weeks pass, and still neither me or my mother is talking to Dad. He is lying on the couch as I walk by, he says to me,” You deserved everything you got.” I walk into my room, lie down on my bed and begin to shake, like the world’s biggest earth quake is happening right inside of me. I start to struggle for air, my head feels light, and my ears blocked. I think of nothing. Nothing but the sound of belt slipping through his fingers, his harsh face staring at me, and then one – two – three – ten! I start to scream. My mother runs in. I get up without saying a word, walk right past her, and head downstairs. I sit at our grand piano and begin to play. I let my pain and agony flow right through my hands into my fingers then onto the piano. All night long, I sat there playing. I felt something I haven’t felt in a long time, power. Power to control myself. Power over everything around me. Power.
